What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 11:18
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But it wasn’t much.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
What is your most intimate experience with your best friend?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My life is so biszare .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was 9 years of age.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Was to survive, this bastard.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
What are some other ways to say "you're welcome" in French besides "de rien"?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
And i lived it daily.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why do so many people like life?
So whats the point in blame.
So, i spoilt her more .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Is anyone up to have a little conversation?
I write beautiful poetry .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why is only the left side of my vagina bleeding, on and off?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I will be 64.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He knew the spot.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Who then, do I blame.?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I have no regrets .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But ive been too sick for many years..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Ive learnt so much.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She found it foreign!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Especially a lifetime of it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I waited trembling.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It was going to be , some day.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
All the time i was locked up.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was very sick at this time too.
But, we were locked up after school.
We all went to grammer schools
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We were not on the streets..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One cannot live in the past .
She married twice! .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was seconnd youngest,
She loved him until the end.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I don,t even have a pension.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She wouldn,t have been !
As i do to all so called friends.?
What did i know ?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im still living with it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
This is soul school!.
Would this be the day?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She was in good health!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why did i forgive my father ?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My family never makes their pension either.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Comes on , in middle age.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I think the readers, may guess!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Put me off passion for life!!
When she asked me how she looked .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was scared of men, in general
I said to her
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,